"And I rather think it quite imperative that we get to the nub of the matter, right away" quoth FactGramps

With FactBoy absent and, as we speak, in a sanitorium in deepest Cambodia, researching a little known Fact about a rare and cabbage eating insect called Barry, his erstwhile and steeped-in-ancient-wisdom Grampa, FactGramps, has stopped filling his pipe and colostomy bag long enough to offer these insights into the world of Australian lore.

A mere snippet of the lightyears of knowledge crammed inside that yellow, liver-spotted head of his, which looks like the side-on view of a gerbil sitting on a cauliflower, what with his research into designing a Realistic and Natural Looking Toupe utterly failing to produce results so-far.

That aside.

Re: Definition:

Budgie Smuggler;

(noun, AU, slang); The style of mens swimming costume which covers the bottom and forms a pouch at the front, as worn in surf lifesaving and in swimming races; any item of male bathing costume or underwear that encloses the wearer's genitalia in a manner that resembles the concealment of a budgerigar:

In common conversation among the usual suspect members of the general public such utterances as the henceforth may be heard spoken aloud: "and who could forget his exhibitionism when he stepped out of the sea this week in a pair of swimmers referred to universally as budgie-smugglers"; or, more reasonably to be assumed to be the case when such as the likes of "Mate, can't wait to wear me new budgie smugglers to the beach, gonna accent my dong" is heard spoken.

For anyone who does not know, or is ignorant of the Australian version of the English language,:

• 'Baastard' : is a term of endearment
• 'Ya Bastard!' : equates to 'hello'
• 'Fekin baastard!' : Nice to see you
• 'Bottle-o' : off license or liquor shop (suffix any word with an -o, and it becomes immediately recognizable, warm and friendly, and inimitably Ozzie: see also arvo, Abo, Fisho, Garbo, Salvo, Robbo, Wayno, Jonno, Matto)
• 'Numbnuts' : a derogatory term, referring to an individuals innate state of mind. "Micko? Nah! He's a numbnuts".
• 'Old mate' (noun) : applicable to a person, singular, when their name has been forgotten; e.g. "G'day... Old mate" or "I was talking to your friend... Old Mate over there"
• 'Op Shop' : a charity shop; 'Opportunity Shopping'; "get yer gladrags on we're going op shopping luv"
• 'Brown-eyed mullet' : a turd in the sea.
• 'Bushman's hanky' : Emitting nasal mucus by placing one index finger on the outside of the nose.
• 'Dead dingo's donger, as dry as a' : dry, very
• 'chook': chicken.
• 'Manchester' : Household linen, eg sheets etc.
• 'Shit house' (adj.) : of poor quality, unenjoyable.
• 'Show pony' : someone who tries hard, by his dress or behaviour, to impress those around him.
• 'Ute' : utility vehicle, pickup truck. Not to be confused with the Scandinavian word 'Ūte', which translates in Australian as "speak Enlgish ya silly Welsh Baastard".

Shuffling off to fill his Brandy tumbler with warm milk and to snort a nasal decongestant before an early bedtime but not before feeding the cat and watching the news headlines FactGramps departs, leaving the world of Knowledge a better place for his having woken himself up from his late-evening, post-early evening, pre-proper-snooze.

"Now Bugger orf an leave it for your own fact find get em ourself", he says from the next room as a damp slipper is hurled and lands by my feet with a squib-like squelch.

The Transmogrification of FactBoy

You spit out your tea and dangle a soggy microwave-meal forkfull mid air. With mouth agape and half-chewed matter drooping down your jaws you make no attempt to stop it. With astonishment and incredulity you watch as a formless blob comes out your TV and oozes its way along the well-stained carpet towards you. Slowly and gradually its becoming corporeal in its slow descent from the goggle box and inevitably towards you on the sofa. A recognizable human form starts to take shape before your very eyes. The fork upends as you gape in sheer horror as the 'thing' gets closer to you, until, right between your legs, it stands. You shiver, 'this isn't happening', you pray, but the physicality of the situation is all too real. Looming like impending doom, you are in its shadow and as the flickering light from your TV screen moves and jerks you let out a loud silence penetrating fart as your bowels prepare for the final movement. All too soon 'it' moves and lifts an arm, extending a hand, until it is almost to your face, and you see in the hand some paper, folded over, and you take this note, on which is written the following information:

-Almost 90% of Australia is dry, flat and arid. Almost three-quarters of the land cannot support agriculture in any form.

-Australia was founded by convicts. Its homicide rate is 1.8 per 100, 000 population. The United States was founded by religiious zealots. Its homicide rate is 6.3 per 100, 000 population. 400% greater than Australia.

-Per capita Australians spend more money on gambling than any other nation in the world. Taking into account that they represent less than 1% of the world's total population, Australia has more than 20% of its poker machines.

-Perth is the sunniest capital city on the world, with an average 8 hours sunshine per day, 365 days a year.

-Perth also has the highest population, per capita of self-made millionaires in the world, and even has the largest inner-city park in the world (bigger even than New York's Central Park).

-Western Australia has the highest standard of housing in the world - with 5 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a veranda and a swimming pool very common to most homes.

-Broome is the Pearling capital of the world.


Who said that reality was all about what is known.

FactBoy wuz ere.

FactBoy and the Chasm of a Thousand Fools

For It Is Fact.

Silence ye doubters!

Fie ye unfaithful rabble!


From the deepest depths of the darkest of deep dark places flies into your face like a Pheonix from the Flames your One True Provider (OTP) of factual and actually quite interesting information.

Oh! You don't like it 'in yer face' do you?

FactBoy knows no other way.

If you want him, and you know where to find him, maybe you can tell him yourself.

Until then though -

Rub your hands together in glee, force under control that twitching facial tic contorting the corner of your maniacal grin and sit on the edge of your orthopedic chair...


FACT:


- The Aboriginal people travelled the open sea to colonise Australia some 50,000 years ago.

- They did this thousands of years before anyone else is known to have dared even dip a shin in the briny wash let alone construct a raft and head out of sight of land to see what they may find.

- At the time, the last Ice Age had frozen vast quantities of water in the polar ice caps, with sea levels 120 metres lower than they are today.

- This meant Europe (including Britain), Asia, Africa and even America (linked to
Asia by a land bridge across the Bering Strait) formed a single, vast
supercontinent, across which early humans could and did (thank you very much)
migrate.

- But: Australia, uninhabited and linked to New Guinea, was out on its own – there
was at leats 60 kilometres (40 miles) of clear, blue, empty open sea between it
and the nearest part of Indonesia (then linked to Asia).

- From this distance, given Northern Australia’s flat terrain, it would have been
impossible for any part of the continent to be visible over the horizon.

- Aboriginals are known, however to have crossed it: the earliest firmly dated
evidence of human occupation in Australia are some 50,000 year old stone tools
unearthed in an Arnhem Land rock shelter in the far north of the Northern
Territory.

- The details of this voyage will never be known – the type of boat or raft used
remains banked in the vaults of time. The dank tropical coastline on which they
most likely landed no longer exists – reclaimed by the sea at the end of the last
Ice Age 10,000 years ago.

- The story of why the Aboriginal people set off to sea, how they found the
continent of Australia, and why, having done this, they forgot, and never made
another like it, will excite the imagination of all who exalt the poetry of
journeying and the magic of an epic tale

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Fact Boy and the Temple of Simpletons

Rat-a-tat-tat

"Cover me, I'm going in"

says FactBoy over the rattling din made by Error and Ignorance as they set about trashing all that is sacred and true.

Like an eloquent Rambo without the stroke-affected snarl he leaps and bounds, plundering the vaults of Knowledge single-handed and returns, unharmed, learned, uncoiling his Facts to lasoo ynweildly Ignorance and bitch-slap him until he cries, forcing lazy Error to run away shrieking and snivelling.

FACT:

-In 1901 the six self-governing colonies of New South Wales, Queensland, Victoria, Western Australia, South Australia and Tasmania, unite in a federation, creating the Commonwealth of Australia. The birth of a nation.

-Until its incorporation in the Commonwealth in 1911, the Northern Territory was governed by South Australia, whereupon they cast off the shackles of their former administration by changing the name of Palmerston to Port Darwin, the now capital of the north.

-The Northern Territory is not a state it is a territory.

-This limits the role of the Northern Territory in referendums on matters of national importance. There is no constitutional guarantee, as there is with the six founding states, of any consultation.

-The six founding state's laws are protected by the constitution. Any laws made by the Northern Territory Parliament can be removed by Canberra.

-All original states have the same number of Senators in the federal parliament - 12.

-The Northern Territory had no representation until 1974, when they were give 2 Senate seats - this has been twice challenged, unsuccesfully, by the founding states.

-There is no constitutional guarantee the Northern Territory will retain their two seats, or any, for that matter.

-State Senators serve a term of 6 years. Territory Senators 3.

-There are 150 members of the Australian House of Representatives. The constitution guarantees all original states at least 5 Members. Beyond this it depends on the population of the state. New South Wales has 49 Members of the House of Representatives (MHRs), Tasmania 5.

-The Northern Territory has 2 MHRs, and no guarantee of any.

-In a 1998 vote on the issue of Statehood, 51.3% of Territorians voted against it, preferring to remain a Territory.


Addendum Fact to the Preceeding

-Canberra was founded as a purpose built capital, replacing the former, officially unofficial capital Melbourne in 1913, largelly to quell the heated debate between Melbourne and Sydney as to which one of them was most deserved of the honour.

-'Canberra' comes from the Aboriginal word 'canberry' meaning either a 'meeting place' or 'a pair of womens breasts'.


FactBoy, like the wind, disappears into the ethersphere.

Until Next Time valued Fact Finders!

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